Mike’s Comedy Network

While performing as a comedian on a Cruise Ship, I got to observe and interact with the passengers daily, and only one word comes to mind when describing them,. …Gargantuan.

These eating machines descend upon a food station like a school of piranhas cleaning a beef carcass to the bone in seconds.

Like a great cloud of People Locusts onto a field of lunchmeat, these behemoths leave nothing but food particles behind in their wake.

Knives and forks are wielded like a Benihana master class as sparks fly off the really big ones cutlery. Ham and turkey flip through the air like a flesh juggling convention…… It is Thunderdome. Two Hams enter. One giant sausage leaves..

I actually think that the guy in the paper hat carving Roasts is there mostly as a courtesy. Because if they had just hung the cow leg from the ceiling like a giant meat piñata, these white sharks would have bitten it in half like they were chowing on a Monk Seal.
HBO forensic scientist Dr. Michael Baden wouldn’t have had enough remaining evidence to identify cause of death during the “Cow Autopsy”. There may be Broadway shows and great entertainers aboard, but make no mistake, food is the #1 attraction on deck

Up until this cruise I had never imagined that a Walker could hold a tray full of food, but the boys in Detroit, or wherever these moving chow carriers are assembled, have made great strides in engineering. Thousand pound Nana’s are now able to waddle with wheeled assistance into this conga line of gluttony, and ladle great helpings of steaming fodder onto their always to small plates. Some of these geriatric gobblers have combined fine dining with alzheimers disease, cause they don’t seem to remember that they just ate 5 minutes ago.

Lets face it. The Cruise Ship industry is considered “job security” by appreciative cardiologists worldwide. Once these giant herds of cattle-people are loaded aboard, their gravy pumping leviathan hearts guarantee positive cash flow every time a corpuscle can’t squeeze through a plaque jammed aorta.
I mean Pie is a topping to these lard buckets, and is often paraded around on a dessert cart to chum them into a medically induced Feeding frenzy. This great Flock of Fat People has enabled heart specialists to secured multi million dollar properties, fearless of not being able to make their mortgage.

Oops. Gotta go. Lunch!

The gun lovers have taken this masacre on campus as a chance to play offense and argue that if people on campus had been allowed to carry, one of the victims would have been able to take the shooter out.

Of course gun advocates fail to point out that some of the recent graduates of Virginia Tech include the NFL’s PacMan Jones, Chris Henry, Michael and Marcus Vick. There’s the 4 Horsemen of Felony right there. Give Michael Vick a Pitbull and an automatic weapon and he’s pretty much unstoppable.

CNN reports that vice president Cheney is being checked for a blood clot in his leg.
If life was fair, his treatment would take place in Building 18 at Walter Reed.

I had cleared security even after they found shampoo and toothpaste in my bag. Shampoo and personal hygene products somehow indicates to the TSA that I am a possible Al Queda operative. I pointed out to the screener that ironically, terrorists never use toothpaste or shampoo and that perhaps if they were to use this identification method, they might actually be able to hone in on the bad guys. Grab Omar the greasy haired and check him for lack of Altoids during the pat down. Cause it’s not me, or the 75 year old white woman from Wisconsin named Gunderson.

Then I got Jet Blued by American Airlines.
I was flying Phoenix to Boston through Dallas when American suddenly declared that their flight crew had logged to many hours to continue, and a new group would have to be brought in from Chicago. Are you shitting me American? The crew has flown to many hours? How could an airline ever be expected to schedule a crew to finish their flight?…. and on a beautiful clear day at that? That kind of anticipation is one step away from particle physics. But maybe I’m expecting to much. I mean, rarely in aviation history has a flight crew being able to fly straight thru to their destination. Although that Lindberg guy seemed to do OK.

This tactical snafu by American pushed my 3 o’clock flight back to a 4:30 departure and my connection into the red some 40 minutes. This raised my stress levels from my usual Cranky1 to Cranky2.

My only hope now of making my connection in Dallas was that Americans continued incompetence would somehow delay my second flight. Meanwhile, the gate agents tried to rebook me and the 120 other passengers that were all going to miss their connections onto other flights.
My own agent was a 5 foot chunky Spanish woman with the mange and cankles named Andrea. Andrea used English as a second language, and unfortunately the computer was in English, because she bumbled around the keyboard like a chimp doing a transmission repair.
This walking Rogaine commercial looked like a doll that had been petted to death and then combed out by a 5 year old on a sugar rush. Andrea’s first suggestion at an alternate itinerary was that I take the 8 o’clock out of Phoenix into San Francisco and then take the Red Eye back to Boston and arrive at 5 AM. I pointed out that San Francisco was in the opposite direction of where I was trying to go, and that if she really wanted to send me away from my destination, Hawaii would be a preferable choice for a couple of days.
Andrea informed me that my only choice was a 12 hour layover at a Ramada (We have new carpeting!) in Dallas. She told me that they would be holding my luggage hostage, and that i couldn’t get my bags. “No we keep in special storage for tomorrow”. Special storage? Ya, its called the plane that won’t fly, cause you knuckeheads don’t have a crew.
Hey, why would a traveler ever want to get into their own bags? Who needs socks? Why would you want your cell phone charger, personal products or a change of clothes for the flight that won’t take off till tomorrow 18 hours from now? Shit. Ya all ready took my shampoo and tooth paste. Don’t piss me off or I’ll breath on ya.

I will not be surprised on my 6 am tomorrow if my seat mate of the future blurts out,…. “I smell ass”.

I’ll look to book on anyone BUT American next time.